My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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