I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
