in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
