dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize