Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
