The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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