you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I love having hate sex.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
