Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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