PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
