I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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