Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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