Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
