I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
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She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
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She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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