wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
