I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
