Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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