is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
