At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
