My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
