he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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