did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
