But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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