Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
