Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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