I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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