dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
