I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
