this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
