I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
