tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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