so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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