We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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