I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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