Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
