My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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