literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
