Can i not drive my cunt home
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
