nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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