Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
