dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm like, not good at living.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
