how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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