Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Randomize
