Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just fell off a train. Bad.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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