He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
