Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
