just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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