you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
