I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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