why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
