I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
