Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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