I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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