I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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