Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
