In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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