Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
