Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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