I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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